a few little notions
to maybe spark a new thought in your mind
or bring a smile to your face
i want to cry i do. and i want to scream and i want to dance and i want to sing. and i want attention. i want people to ask me what im doing and i want to give them a long speech about myself and my story and its really vain of me. i only want to talk about myself. i still do care about others. but it doesnt register when im talking. the focus is on me. call it because i’m in the ‘selfie generation’ or generation me. i dont care what the critics of my generation say. i will take pictures of myself. i will talk about myself. i will use i and me more than any pronoun. im young and pretty and smart and confident (for the record… everybody is smart its the knowledge and skills that we value that makes us smart in an environment) and i want to talk about me. my life is really starting. my only responsibility is myself and what i want it to be. im blessed to be in a bubble where a lot of shit doesnt happen to me. therefore i can focus on myself. and being better and doing something while i’m young while i like what i see in the mirror where i can use my intelligence for something. then maybe ill do something for someone else. im affluent and irresponsible and stupid and vain and im fine with that for now.
while everything is coming together, prom, job, college (omg i got accepted today and im freaking out…theyre giving me moniess and yassss) everything else is fucking imploding. mom and dad are splitting, father is losing his fucking mind, brothers moving… but yet so many things are going right and im so conflicted because things are either amazing or they suck bigger balls than usual and is this what life is like cause holy shit.
im the one they call a lesbian cause i dont have a boyfriend at the moment.
im the one they call weird cause im watching a movie they dont understand.
im the ungrateful one cause i dont want to work at the same fucked up business she works at. all she does is tell me about how terrible this place is. why the hell would i work there?
im the awkward one cause i had an awkward age in middle school.
all of my friends are awkward because they all were awkward in middle school. so i must not have social skills.
i have asbergers because apparently my family can diagnose austism.
im also the only one in my familys whos ever done something stupid in their childhood because no one else gets the special storytelling treatment at family get togethers.
im not my sister…. so i must not be good enough for anything.
it sounds so damn cliche… but seriously… they dont know me.they dont understand.and im so tired of trying to get them to understand.
1. instead of feeling terrible about yourself list all your good qualites…if you have no good qualities list all the bad qualities you can change…start there.
2. i hate this backlash against all christians. not all christians are part of the WBC, not all christian want to convert you. but i know what its like to live a life with Christ in your heart. and its worked for me.
3. you know what else has worked for me. anthropology. been thinking bout that lately.
4. asgfdhjkl i have no idea why i’ve been so frustrated. i think i just want the new semester to start so i can bring up my bloody gpa to something acceptable. picking new classes. i love setting myself up for unruling expectations. like ap bio. also this darn doctumentary. i just want to get it done also my driving. i just want to drive. i promise i wont run away as soon as i get my license. i swear. honestly i just want to be able to get to target and back.
i love when my mom walks in saying that i have mail and its from fifteen different colleges who all want my talents. i swear…have any of those admission papers taken any advertising/leadership course? PSP people praise suggestion praise Hey (insert name here), i’m impressed by your acheivements so far. i’d like to see you study at (some rural university in indiana). Again, congratulations on your achievements.
5. i’m losing all my respect for my teachers. i just feel like they’re all lazy and stupid and expect their students to follow them.
6. also this documentary. twenty minutes of why the college business is a business. why im so lost. why everyones so lost. why im going to be paying for college well into my adult age. unless i win the lottery. but probs no. so yea the surrender, arrangement and slavery of college.
so you know that fantasy where you walk into a classroom and you just want to whole class refuse to do an assignment? where they stage a revolt against the teacher holding up strike posters and blank sheets of paper?
Yea, that happened yesterday. we eventually wrote the essay at home… but ahgsbfhdf middle school dreams made.
-the starbucks panera combination. bitch i can make better bread bowls than that place.
-when someone is just so damn depressed they just assume things of people (which i do alot… )
-when people just do something to portray an image they’re creating. especially when that person preaches individuality or something like that. the vision has blurred over the years.
-yellow lights. do i stop or do i keep going? also making a right on a red light. so misleading.
-also i made a list of points to make when i called a kid to tell him i wasnt attracted to him and that i didnt want to go out with him. my mom found it. thank goodness my mom knows not to talk opposite sex with the father around…he just gets bent out of shape. he texted me all weekend. i hate being the mean person.
words cant even be put together correctly to understand what just happened. seneca just got 91.263. 7th best band in the country. highest score in seneca history. first year we left nationals with a trophy. a damn trophy. here’s a list of reasons why this is amazing:
-we used to suck
-we would sigh in relief when we didnt place last or second to last
-we were given a company front and sixteenth note runs
-we have the worst music department in the district
-we have white pants
-a girl lost her damn shoe on the field (a freshman girl, who then was badass and marched the rest of the show like nothing happened).
-seneca doesnt do this.
holy shit. 90.7. imagine what we’re gonna do tomorrow when we actually have our best showw… shitshitshit. sooo pumpeddd cant function. just gonna pee then sleep then wake up and kick some brass tomorrow.
the cma awards were actually awarded to people who deserve it. gonna actually watch it noww
other news states and nationals are in the same weekend. we are going to do something great this season. it will happen. i am not letting this band go down without having the best damn show seneca has ever put on.
also i love you hayley… youre a sweatheart and i hope youre okayy